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1-7-08: What’s the point? Just more garbage

Perhaps just a ramble today and no more – as I’ve said so much, tabulated so many statistics, played so many notes, practiced Tai Chi so many times. Why say more as Time keep slipping though my fingers – like a cracked egg that you’re trying to save – oozing, before you are aware, through any opening onto the floor with just a residue in your hands, which slips thru’ any available crack – leaving fresh messes wherever you turn. And finally you give up – throwing it all in the dog’s dish – as you drip whatever is left of the egg throughout the house – leaving a trail behind which reveals your indiscretions for all the world to see.

Try as best as I can, I can’t quite get on top of the game – but am instead continually struggling to find the secret passageway, which will reveal the Doorway to Enlightenment, Fame or Fortune. Yet no matter which passage way I traverse - when I reach the end the Door is locked. And although I have a bundle of keys, none of them work – as I frantically race against Time to find the fit – knowing deep down that they are all bogus. And the grains of sand keep dripping down indicating that Time is indeed running out. The tide is rising– inevitably trapping me between the cliffs and ocean, with nowhere to turn.

Lost in this labyrinth I scramble to find a new route – knowing full well that I am supposed to go towards the Heart of the Furnace – but it is so hot. Hoping to find another way, which isn’t quite so difficult, I am suddenly stricken by the ‘What’s the use?’ malady. ‘What’s the point of these endless scribbling which lead nowhere – read by no one? What’s the purpose of all my wisdom when I am once again overwhelmed by ennui and a sense of purposelessness? Why do I continue practicing Tai Chi, when I regularly re-injure myself on the simplest of movements?

As my joints become brittle and my hair turns grey or evaporates, questions emerge from the emptiness – torturing me with their constant repetition – like a pesky fly. ‘Am I doing the right thing - following the right path – taking the right course?’ - Or - ‘Am I wasting my life on trivialities? Is my life a big waste of time? Is life a waste of time?’

And yet, as you can see, once again I am motivated in my pathetic way to leave something behind  - my waste of time – my trash, which I track thru the house - my big mess reveled for the entire world to see. But they don’t really care anyway – wrapped up as they are in their own quest for meaning, purpose , fame and glory.