Home   Journal Page   Music Journal   Tai Chi Journal   Astro-Journal   Restaurant Journal

Some interesting insights today as I was creating a Timeline or chronology of the Breakdown/Collapse. Listing the day-by-day medical/job emotional dramas w/my creative output opened my Mind to alternate explanations of the Snap.

First, the emotional & physical Break had no effect on my creative output, which immediately accelerated. The depth & level of my out-of-control Surge was intense. For instance my Southeast Asia: finished the writing, create a subsite on my website to contain it - which led to a massive and much-needed reorganization of the entire work - in the midst of the frenzy decided to chapterize the trilogy for the Internet - and then why not add more pictures – ≈ 60 hours of output over the six weeks from the Break to the Visit. During that same time period my internal Computer Programmer also upgraded my wife L’s Jewelry Website - which she has thanked me for profusely; my Musician created a new CD; my Artist began redrawing and painting ‘Hippie Me’ on the Computer, after a decades long hiatus; plus my Husband transferred the G3 files to the E-Mac so that we could eliminate the oversized eyesore from my desk – all major and varied projects. Whew!

But these obsessions were coming to close, or had come to a close, by the time we, as a group of personalities, reached the Trip to visit the girls in the Pacific Northwest. “No more creative Surge for now. The Muse is done w/me for the time being. My Person is ready & able to go back to work. Time to look for jobs.” Or so I thought.

Suddenly my Person is drained and flat on his back – the balloon popped, whizzing crazily around, and then hit the ground – hard. Why? – Yin deficiency? Yes, this analysis certainly opened the door to recovery. But perhaps the Muse was not finished w/me yet. She wanted to have her way w/my Person a little while longer - Play w/his erogenous zones – twiddle them until they become erect – rising – engorged – and Splat! Art is left behind. But what did she want me for in March & April?

All the evidence points to publication, as 5 books were self-published on Lulu.com – combined w/even selling a few. And this phase began immediately after our return.

Bingo! The Light bulb goes on. The Muse needed more time alone w/my Person so that she could see her efforts realized in print - through the miracle of the Internet. First Ma Belle’s Rise & Fall: Books 1 -> 3, then following on to Pioneer Memoirs & What is a Mountain? During this extended hiatus from the work force was also finally able to create and insert some long-awaited maps into Pioneer: Edition 3. Have received much enthusiasm in response to these efforts.

In support of the Muse theory, I even remember thinking in the depths of my delirium that I needed more time to get published, or at least to seek publication. And then youngest daughter, Miranda, told me about Lulu, the self-publishing site – on our visit to the PNW. Coincidence or Divine Plan? Since that time I have been consumed by & dominated by Lulu. Who could have ever known or told me that March, April, and even May would be overwhelmed with self-publication.

Did the Muse know this connection in advance? Or did she manufacture my collapse after she found out about Lulu? I don’t know & I guess we’ll never know. But Collapse I did – relapsed – 3 times in March alone – aftershocks from the Big One – the Quake, which turned my world upside down - for which I must bless the New Owner of the Casket w/extreme gratitude for playing the role, which broke the camels’ back – pushed me over the edge – boosted me over the Threshold of Physical Breakdown – Adrenal Collapse – due to the Wine Rooms – lifting so many cases of wine that my reserves were drained, which destroyed my physical health.

“And for this you express extreme gratitude?”

“Truly. It’s not easy to play the role of the heavy – Taking the rap. Because of what transpired I’ve learned and grown so much – and made incredible inroads on my Cathedral – my life’s work. Only a fool would be bitter about this. Instead I’m very appreciative that he pushed me over the edge of the precipice – because I learned to fly. Some were given the role of selling their brother Joseph into slavery. But he forgave them saying, “If not for you, I wouldn’t be here today - at the right hand of the Pharaoh – saving our people from starvation.”

God’s ways are mysterious. Yahweh – your way – submit before Allah’s Plan –– Bow down before the Magnificence. The Mystery & Paradox is revealed herein – as the Muse, in a violent coup d’etat, took control of my Person – instituting harsh measures to put her Surge in place.

“Whoa! You were mean.”

“You deserved it.”

“It was excruciating.”

“To shed your cocoon. Let go of your absurd little world and fly.”

“Aurghh?!!”

“Yells the steel sword to the hammer & anvil as he is being tempered.”

The Way of the Divine is mysterious after all.

Post Fall – Hey y’all – Let’s have a Ball.