The Quest for Honesty:
Have just finished 4 shifts of work (waiting tables, if you’re not familiar w/me by now) & feel proud of myself – my Person – my whatever – 3 at the Cask, 1 at the Ranch. Performed well – made some good money – was heavily responsible for saving the Cask from a potentially disastrous night, as we were under-scheduled, understaffed, under-managed – as usual. My Person (whoever that is, perhaps the complex of behavior associated w/my Body) was able to assert himself in a variety of ways to recruit staff and organize Service – such that it turned into a rather joyous evening, rather than disgruntled grumbling over the degeneration.
Recruiting help was his most important contribution.
(My Person is most definitely of the past. Only residues of him remain – pale reflections. More importantly, however, he was able to establish positive proactive patters of behavior. These exert some influence on the future - which might even hopefully be amplified by more of the same. Then if this pattern is pursued faithfully enough it might even result in Metamorphosis – Transformation – a Shedding of Skin - breaking out of the Cocoon to become something new – fresh – reborn.
(On the surface of consciousness, I’m referring to the Restaurant Biz. My Person would love to break away – flying with abandon into constant free-form creation - play – whatever – ala Breakdown – unstructured time – except by me. (To whom am I referring? Roughly speaking it’s me when I’m referring to the present & my Person when referring to the past or future – because he doesn’t really exist any more except through memories, dreams & reflections. Of course, the I that is now is frequently co-opted by the agenda of the Person, in which case the Person is really doing the talking or writing, as in this case.)
So on the surface I view the Biz as the chains that are binding me. (Actually it is my Person speaking, because it is he that views himself as bound. Because there is no past or future - there is no bound – only the perception of bound.) So my Person views waiting tale as the problem. (In this case I should say the Brain component of my Person – because it is he that thinks, projects, analyzes, decides, and attempts to force his way – his agenda upon the whole.)
So Brain views the Biz as the shackles that tie my Person, who he thinks is me, down – preventing him from achieving his Destiny and escape his Fate (more notions that Brain has created out of his many projections – notions that simultaneously inspire and corrupt the Direct Perception – or perhaps I should say, the Spontaneous Experience of Reality. (As these Words are attempting to convey mental constructs that have no simple definition, the only possibility of transmission is through hints & suggestion - a wisp of this and that to create a hologramic image that fades in and out – rather than a flat two dimensional approximation.))
Fearing the Winter Brain attempts to mobilize forces, which include Exit Plans from the Biz – inevitable death or retirement, if nothing else.
However, on the other hand, there is an internal sense of self-esteem from performing well under the line of fire – rising to the occasion.
“Thanks so much for helping out.”
“My pleasure. It was fun.”
“The Restaurant Biz must be in your blood to miss a night out with your lover and friends to be with us here at the crazy Cask.”
“Definitely. I felt guilty.”
“To you guys. I didn’t want to let you down.”
“Exactly. In my novel, Ma Belle, the restaurant, attempts to assert herself – making those around her realize that she was a real entity – not just some walls. Similarly the Cask is happy that you came in. Me too. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw you return in your black & whites.”
“Really. I saw you passing through to pick up some wine for your party. Immediately sensing you could be the savior of the Cask I requested your assistance.”
“I was surprised. But why did you need me?”
“Even though there were 80 reservations and the potential for multiple tasting menus, Management, as usual, forgot to schedule a food expediter. The Bartender was already depressed because he thought he would be called upon to do 2 jobs – always a nightmare, especially on a busy night.”
“He looked relieved when I arrived.”
“He had just returned from a vacation and didn’t want a chaotic night to ruin his relaxed attitude. Even after I asked I thought you were definitely going to your party. You certainly didn’t have to return. You weren’t even on the Schedule.”
“But I wanted to. There’ll always be another opportunity for a party.”
“Obviously the Biz is in your blood – the drama, the excitement, the camaraderie, the love of the restaurant.”
So yes my Person-Brain complex – whatever – has a love-hate relationship with the Biz, manifested through the Cask. Hating it on one side for the stress & strain – physical and mental – the interruption of my affair with the Muse – my creative flow. But on the other side we love the excitement – the potential for chaos – the challenge of riding the wild horse – the sense of self esteem derived from making it through the white water.
The Cask is the Wild West – fraught with peril – the potential for destructive turbulence with the equal potential for heroics. Alternately the Ranch, our other job, resides in the ordered Realm – with controlled sanity ruling the Land – less potential for stress, drama and heroics – more stable, less exciting, more predictable, not as much physical or emotional strain – but somewhat boring – less chance of transcendence. Why can't we relish the ordinary? Far greater chance of insanity & breakdown at the Cask. Makes for a far more interesting Novel. Addicted to the emotional Rush – when will it ever end? When the mountains wash into the sea and the earth crashes into the sun. How much fun! Just you and me. Whee!